neko-san's
YOU KNOW YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH CATS WHEN... (comedy)

Warning: Contains rantings of a deranged adolescent, and low level coarse language, but if this offends you then I suggest professional therapy.

You know you're obsessed with Cats when...

...you have Jemima as your Windows wallpaper, you have the Cats Video screensaver, the Cats WinAmp skin, there is a pair of eyes that follow your mouse cursor everywhere, your wardrobe would pass for the Cats merchandise warehouse and you're pissed off that your parents wouldn't let you reconstruct the Cats stage (full size) in the loungeroom.

...you think that ordinary people look like quite dull & bland due to the lack of make-up, whiskers & stripes on their faces.

...your family commit you to the loony bin.

...your family commit themselves to the loony bin.

...you have six different orchestral renditions of 'The Jellicle Ball' and consider them all as completely different pieces of music.

...you fantasise about the prospect of one day performing in the role of Jemima, but after a quick gender-check you settle for the role of Munkastrap.

...your girlfriend dumps you because you're more attracted to your Jemima JPG files than her.

...you buy the Cats DVD even though you don't have a DVD player. (Well, it is supposed to come with a book too!)

...you visit Cats web-sites.

...you know the entire lyrics & score off by heart.

...you get most offended by people who don't know the entire lyrics & score off by heart.

...to help yourself learn the lyrics, you sit through the entire double CD hitting pause every five seconds so you can write/type them, despite the fact that the CDs came with a lyrics booklet.

...you proudly display/wear Cats merchandise in public in the faint hope that this may help you meet other Cats fanatics (and it fails miserably, because they're all on the net).

...you finally do meet another Cats fanatic who loves talking about the show, but you get sick of listening to them rave on, or you develop resentment & jealousy because they are more extreme than you.

...you learn a musical instrument (eg. guitar) just so you can play the Cats music yourself (but then find that the guitar chords are just too damn hard anyway).

...you petition the Board of Education to include Cats on the list of literature to be studied for English.

...you suddenly become the most unpopular kid at school because the bus driver agreed to play your Cats tapes on the way to and from school (just try singing along with it - see how long it takes to get your head punched in)

...you have eyes on the back of your... um... shirt.

...you never miss an opportunity to take advantage of a captive audience (eg. passengers in your car) to attempt to brainwash them into Jellicleness by playing your Cats tapes at full volume.

...you have yellowish green contact lenses with little dark silhouettes dancing over your pupils.

...you disable your screen saver so that your viewing of your Jemima Windows wallpaper will not be interrupted.

...as a result of hours of the above mentioned activity, you have Jemima's face permanently burned into the phosphor coating of your monitor screen. (oh, well. I could think of worse things to have burned into it.)

...also as a result of the above mentioned activity, you have Jemima's face permanently burned into your retinas. (Wouldn't that be cool?)

...you wonder what your neighbour's cat's secret name is. (The fat bastard! I'll bet it's 'Bustopher'!)

...you compare personalities of members of your social, sporting & friendship groups with the personalities of the Cats characters, and assign your friends each with a Jellicle name.

...as a result of the above mentioned activity, you lose all your friends.

...your family & friends can't decide whether they'd prefer to hear Cats at full volume for the fifty-billionth time or have you turn it down and put up with your torturous singing.

...your family & friends initiate the creation of a community support group called "C.A." - Cats Anonymous.

...you write corny text files on how obsessed you are with Cats.

Last updated: 23rd September Y2K
All feedback is greatly appreciated !!!

neko-san
e-meow: sleepy_neko@hotmail.com