Warning: Low level coarse language. But if you've ever watched half an hour of prime time TV, then you should be able to handle this.

Bustopher Jones : Rolling out of bed at 5:30 am to haul his fat ass twice around the oval at fat camp. (Due to new weight restrictions on customers of the 'Pot Hunter' buffet restaurant.)

Macavity : Moved to France, but was chased away by the feline reincarnation of Javert. (If you don't know who Javert is, pull your finger out and go see some other musicals too) so he moved to Spain. But even if he is caught, it will be hard to bring him to trial because he gets around in a wheel-chair & claims to have emphecyma.

MungoJerrie : Doing 12 months community service after a recent drug bust in Victoria Grove. (Several small bags of coke were found in his litter tray.)

Rumpel Teazer : Still at Victoria Grove, & wondering how she's going to explain to Mungo that she flushed the other $300,000 worth of cocaine down the lav when the cops came.

Rum Tum Tugger : Extremely pissed off with his agent for failing to land him a role in the film of his own autobiography. This was most likely due to the bad publicity he received when the paparazzi snapped photos of him staggering home drunk with three young blonde kittens. His fans felt they had been betrayed.

SkimbleShanks : Bored with the monotony of just riding trains all day and desperate for a little extra cash on the side (scotch is getting more expensive all the time) he established a successful little business of para-sailing from the back of the train. However, his little money-spinner came to an abrubt halt when they went through a tunnel.

Gus The Theatre Cat : Campaigning for an increased public awareness of feline haemhorrhoids.

Munkastrap : After having the shit kicked out of him by Macavity during the Cats video, he devoted himself to the martial arts. He moved to Japan to study karate, aikido & kendo and changed his name to 'neko-san'. He has developed the mother of all crushes on Jemima. (hehehe...)

Jemima : Is still her same old gorgeous self (how can you improve on perfect?)

Old Dueteronomy : Has retired from his role as chief procreator and settled into a nice home for old cats.

Jennyanydots : Has had a litter of kittens and enjoys harrassing them with domestic chores while she sits on the window sill tying her bloody sailor knots.

Pouncival : Is now the stunt double for Jackie Chan's cat.

Grizabella : Is now pointing out the evil cats to the feline St Peter at the pearly gates of the Heaviside Layer. (The ultimate revenge! Hehehehehe!)

Mr Mistoffolees : He married the feline-supermodel 'Clawed-ya Fisher' and is now the biggest name in magic, visual illusions & eccentric confusions.

Victoria : Is now the feline equivalent of Jim Carrey for bodily-contortions & physical humour. (How many comedians do you know who can get more than two legs behind their heads?)

Griddlebone : It is rumoured that she is living an idyllic existence in a multi- million dollar mansion with several resident toy-boys. (from her pay-off for betraying GrowlTiger).

Etcetera : Still in the Cats video studio. They all went home and forgot to help her down from the trapeze.

Cassandra : The feline equivalent of Nina from 'Just Shoot Me' - always hung-over, slurping coffee and pushing a cigarette butt around the ash tray in the kitchen of a house she doesn't even recognise. (I apologise to Cassandra fans but I had to stick this one in somewhere and I sure as hell wasn't going to give it to Jemima.)

The Great Rumpus Cat : Now does children's parties.

The Pollicle Dogs : They have got their heads together and are working on their own musical, however they can't afford to hire Lloyd Webber to help.

Growl Tiger : Is now a prime example of how the traditional role of 'cat eats fish' can be suddenly reversed.

The Siamese Cats : They all woke up with the mother of all hang-overs after a week long pub crawl in celebration of Growl Tiger's demise.

The Big Police Dog : Demoted to 'traffic dog' for drinking on the job (particularly during a riot!)

Coricopat & Tantomile : Currently playing the role of Sebastian & Viola's pet cats in the sequel to Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. (You'll only get this if you've read/seen Twelfth Night).